Faith Like a Child

I remember when I was in first grade talking to my friends on the playground about Jesus.  I remember telling my ice skating teacher that it was okay that I didn't have a partner because Jesus was with me all the time.  And when my aunt told me she was unable to have children, I told her that God could give her a baby; I prayed, and when I found out she was pregnant sometime later, I wasn't surprised in the least.

I have always looked back at those times and envied the faith that I had.  And I don't understand when or how that faith changed.  Sure, my faith has matured in some ways, I guess, but to that child belonged the kingdom of God. 

Last year, after Gus and I got married, we were looking forward to what God had in store for us.  I knew that God would bless us and provide for us, and I believed it with this wide-eyed youthful enthusiasm that now seems so foreign to me.  And this time, it seems so stupid.  Not something to be envied.  God has blessed us in so many ways since we've been married, but those blessings were oftentimes overshadowed by circumstances out of our control that negatively affected us, spiritually, emotionally, and financially.  I feel robbed; yet there is no justice, no reconciliation, no closure.

I know God has a plan.  But it is hard to believe it in the same way I did last year.