Parenting, Judgment, and the Freedom to Change Your Mind

When I was very pregnant, an older male acquaintance made a comment to me about those people who don’t “let” their babies cry. I don’t know exactly what he thinks about those people, but by his tone, I could tell he certainly didn’t think highly of them. I had several close friends who fell into this category, and these are wonderful Christian mothers I looked up to. What was so wrong about what these women did that they were put in the category of those people?

A lot of people talk about the unsolicited advice that you start getting when you are pregnant. I don’t remember really getting too much in the way of direct advice on childrearing. However, I started noticing the judgment cast on those parents who didn’t do the right thing by this standard or that, and I realized that from one group or another, I was about to become one of those people.

When I was a senior in college, I met an older lady at our church who had homeschooled several children and still had one or two at home. In my usual youthful zeal, I told her that I wanted to homeschool my children, and I was caught off-guard by her quick rebuke. She told me that I shouldn’t make plans like that when I wasn’t even married, that homeschooling is not for everyone, and that when I have children I may even change my mind. I wouldn’t say she was harsh necessarily, but she was very firm. I was really confused by what she said; wouldn’t a homeschooling mother want to encourage others to homeschool as well?

A few weeks ago, our pastor (preaching on, I think, 1 Peter 4) said something about his “cult-radar” going up when he hears words like like-minded to describe groups of people or churches. I was confused again. What’s wrong with being like-minded?

I have thought about what that homeschooling mom said to me frequently over the years, and I think our pastor’s statement really helped something click. Maybe I finally understand.

In telling this mom that I wanted to homeschool, I was in a way offering myself up as a disciple to this experienced mother. Let’s say she had taken me up on this unspoken offer and shared with me all of what she had learned as a homeschooling mother and encouraged me to follow her lead. Perhaps she would have taken on a role of discipler, telling me all the awesome things about homeschooling and how much brighter her children were because of it. Over the next few years, maybe we would have had many conversations about homeschooling.

And let’s say, eventually I got married and had a few children. What would happen to my relationship with this lady if my husband and I decided that homeschooling was not what we wanted to do? I would be embarrassed. I would feel judged. I would know exactly what she thought about those people who sent their children to school, even if her feelings were only unspoken through her single-minded devotion to homeschooling. Could our relationship survive this awkwardness? I doubt it.

In her wise response, this woman allowed me the freedom to change my mind in the future with dignity. I knew that she would not think little of me if I decided to send my children to school, and she was an example to me in not thinking little of others who send their children to school.  She knew homeschooling was not important enough that she needed to "make disciples."

In Standing on the Promises, Doug Wilson writes:

“What does the Bible say about parents letting their daughters wear makeup, or letting them get their ears pierced? Nothing. It gives the authority for such decisions to the parents. Christian parents are free, in their own household, to say they would prefer their daughters not to wear makeup until they are grown. Others may let their daughters wear makeup in junior high. Isn’t it wonderful how God has given different daughters to different families? We must all constantly seek to observe that great Pauline principle – mind thine own business [Rom. 14:5b]” (158).

Even though I think I’m starting to understand this, I’m really not sure where this thought process will take me. Does this mean I can never talk about what I do or what I believe? I don’t think so. But the tone should certainly be different. I shouldn’t think that what I’m doing makes me better than anyone else because I’m not. I shouldn’t push people into believing something just because I believe it when it is a matter indifferent. I shouldn’t talk (or think!) about the indifferent things I do or believe incessantly with gospel-truth-fervor. I am free to make those decisions for myself that the Bible does not address, and others have that same freedom of conscience. I don’t want my like-minded friends to start avoiding me because they have changed their minds about something and become one of those people I apparently think so little of. And I don’t want people who believe differently to think that like-mindedness is a prerequisite for my friendship.

I want to live my life and do what I do to glorify God. I want to share my experiences or thoughts, when appropriate, to share, not to convert. I want to love others no matter what they do regarding things that are none of my business. I want to leave categories like “those people” behind and see other Christians for what they are, my brothers and sisters who God made in His own image, not mine.