Change and Blogging

February was a really stressful month, so March has sort of been recovery month.  During that time, I didn't even really think about blogging, and then I completely lost any desire I had to blog regularly. 

When I remember things that I've written and published on this blog and other blogs I've had, I get really annoyed at myself.  When I go back and read some of those things, I know what I was thinking at the time, but I'm so embarrassed at how stupid and silly I was months, weeks...ok, days ago.  I want to go back and delete so many things I've written, but for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to do it.  It seems like no big deal, but somehow it feels like I'm trying to erase history and cause all sorts of 1984 confusion.

I started a journal about 23 times during my lifetime, and every time I eventually rip out the pages, tear them up, and throw them away.  How much worse is blogging?  If I think what I wrote last week or last month or last year was stupid, what is anyone else in Internet-land thinking?!  I change and my opinions evolve, but they seem so permanent when you press publish.

I suppose I'm writing this post as an apology to my children, who will probably read this blog one day and say, "Wow, mom was really weird and crazy."  But I hope they say it while laughing at ridiculous things I said and thought, and not in an awkward, I-really-wish-she-hadn't-said-that-out-loud sort of way.  We'll see...